Why are some life decisions so easy to make, and some so difficult? Like the ones that you know what the answer is supposed to be, but accepting that answer is painful and just a hard pill to swallow..no pun intended. We've decided...officially...no more babies. This is a sad decision for me, as I wish we had made the effort a few years ago to have another child. But we have passed that window of comfortableness. You know..our other kids are at a point where they are pretty self sufficient. Our youngest will be 8 next month. They sleep through the night. They are potty trained. They can fix themselves a snack or drink when they want one. All of that is kind of hard to give up...Plus the mile long list of other reasons I won't go into here...
But then comes in the acknowledgement that I will never be pregnant again. Never see that positive sign on a test again. Never have that feeling of excitement and fear of what's to come again. Never feel that first baby kick again. Never watch my belly change and grow with pregnancy. Never have that elation of hearing the baby's first cries at birth again. Never wonder if it's a boy or a girl again. Never deciding on a name again. Never feel the soft breath that only an infant can have on my neck again. No first steps or first words again.
Accepting that I am past the point of having babies is hard. Really..it stinks. Does this mean I'm.....old?? I mean, really, what's left after that for me?? I'm still a mother, I know that..and a mother to 2 fabulous kids that I still wonder what I did to for God to deem me worthy to have been blessed with. I look forward to all the things that life has to offer with them. But sometimes, still, I picture another one running around with them and think what if? And unfortunately, all those what if's are answered with ridiculously practical answers that remind me that it's just not in the cards for us. It doesn't seem that the things that are falling into place and the results of decisions we've made to this point leave room for another child...and the practical, realistic side of me knows this. But the mother in me cries at the realization and acceptance of this truth. So forgive me if I tear up a little when I see a baby or a pregnant mom, as I mourn the passing of this stage of my life and turn my eyes to the next stage...being the mother of pre-teens. Prayers are appreciated.
What's left for you? Being able to pray like crazy for the two you have. Embracing every joyous stage you are allowed to spend with them. Engrossing yourself in His word so that He can mold your life for His specific plan and purpose. So many many things ahead that you cannot fathom. You are mourning the stages you won't have anymore and yet there are still so so many stages you are yet to go through.
ReplyDeleteI remember being right where you are and asking Him to give me the strength to move past it and only look forward. I love you.
Besides you are going to need all the strength you can muster for the teenage years!