Radical

Wow...I am bursting with things that I want to say. First and foremost, I need to start off by making some confessions.
1) I am not perfect. While that may not be a suprise to you, it has been a big pill for me to swallow. I was baptized at the age of 7, but did not really start having faith and knowing that Christ was my Savior until about 11 years later. The latter part of those 11 years for me was full of sin and complete disregard of the fact that I had committed myself as a young child to live for Christ and as a reflection of Him. I sought for acceptance and approval in every fashion possible except for from God. I made repeated mistakes and disappointed my parents (and myself) over and over. I was drowning in sin and, if you know me, you know that I am not a good swimmer. The September before I turned 19, I met the person that helped me wake up and see that I was not who Christ had planned for me to be, and the acceptance and approval I had been seeking was only going to come through Him. Now, while I became aware of that fact and professed faith in Him and His plan for my life, I have over the last 14 years been a Christian that has just put my toes in the water. I have not jumped in whole-heartedly to His plan for me, into His Word. I've wanted to be a Christian and still be in control, doing the right things by my own definition.

2) I have spent alot of time focused on the faults of others, and not on my own. For many years, I've dwelled on the faults and disappointments that I see in others, and not acknowledged that I am as faulty as they come. I am insecure about how others see me and, if I'm honest, sometimes conform to what I think others will like and approve.  I have not studied God's Word. I mean, I know Bible stories, I know about things that happened in the Bible..I know how to look up a scripture that will apply to a situation..but I do not KNOW the Bible. I have not studied and sought Him in the Word. I have forgiveness that I'm reluctant to give, even though I know in my heart that forgiveness is a choice you make, not something that is earned or worked through.

OK...those are 2 big confessions and I'm going to stop there for now and focus on these. Recently I have prayed for a hunger for God's Word. Well, I just happened to pray for that around the time we were moving out of our house and into an apartment for the last few transitional months we have before moving to Alabama. Somehow in that move, my Bible got packed up and put into storage with some of our belongings that weren't coming into the apartment. When I tell you that a hunger has been laid on me that I never thought possible...I had to start using my 10 yr old son's Devotional Bible for Boys this past week. I just sort of aimlessly was flipping through the Bible, finding a story here or there and reading it. Well, I made the trip to a Christian bookstore yesterday to find a few things and bought myself a new Bible. I'd been wanting to get a good study Bible that focuses more on the history in the Bible than on devotional applications, so I got a Quest Study Bible. I love that it has the historical timelines and maps in the front and back for reference, and Q&A in the margins throughout. Anyway, while I was in the store, I also saw a book that I've heard my sweet sister Michelle mention before, called "Radical" by David Platt and decided to buy it as well. So, last night, I started reading the book, and I'm about halfway through the 2nd chapter and can I tell you that I am all ready feeling so convicted as a Christian. The book is about how America has commercialized and conformed Christianity to be what we want it to be, what is comfortable for us, rather than what God intended for us to be as Christians. That statement in itself is a direct reflection of who I am , and who I am not, as a Christian. I have been what is comfortable for me, not what God has called me to be. Jesus made it clear to his disciples that following Him was not going to be easy or comfortable. It is the same for us today as Christians. So, when I got to the middle of the chapter, somewhere in there, although when I went back to look for it I couldn't find it, it mentions the book of Hosea in the Bible. That is a book I've never studied (as are many others, but for some reason this one stuck out in my mind), so I decided to put down Radical and pick up my new Bible and flip to that book and start reading it. On a side note, can I mention how much I love the sound of those thin pages of the Bible being turned..it sounds amazing. Anyway, so I read the first 3 chapters of Hosea last night and wow. What a powerful read this is going to be. Since I'm not very familiar with the history of the Bible, it was nice to have the information at the beginning of the book that tells me a little about who Hosea was, when he wrote the book and a little about what is going on in the world when he wrote it. Hosea was a prophet to the northern kingdom of Israel that was under the rule of Jeroboam II, who apparantly was a really bad man. His leadership had promoted a "materialistic, immoral, unjust society" as it says in my Bible. Hmmm...that kind of sounds familiar, doesn't it? So anyway, Hosea is told by God to marry an adulterous wife and have children of unfaithfulness (1:2). What?? He marries a woman named Gomer and they have 3 children, 2 boys and a girl. As I read further into chapter 2, it talks about Israel being punished and then restored, and all I could see out of that scripture was how it reflected my own life with Christ. It talks about the unfaithfulness of the people and how they seek for happiness everywhere except from God, and it is all based on selfish desires. This part stuck out to me the most:

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I willl give her back her vineyards and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. In that day, declares the Lord, you will call me "my Husband"; you will no longer call me "my Master." Hosea 2:14-16

When I read that, it suddenly hit me that all this time, I have not looked at being a Christian so much as having a relationship with God as I have that it is a task. God desires me to be even more attached and committed to Him than I am to my husband. He doesn't want me to view Him as something that I make time for, rather He desires to be my time. I have not been willing to give Him that time. I have not been willing to let go of my control over myself and allow Him to take over. That all changed last night as I read through those first three chapters of Hosea and saw myself as the adulterous mother that had been unfaithful to her Husband. Do not mistake me here, I have not been unfaithful to Richard, but to God. I made a commitment to be a Christian years ago, but it has been a commitment that I have only met when it was convienient for me.

Father, I ask you to take control. Take my heart and make it yours. Forgive me for not being completely committed to a life for You and the plans You  have for me. Help me to be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend that you have desired for me to be. Continue to keep me hungry for your Word and fill  me with desire to live my life for you. I know that you are my Savior, the only way and the Ultimate Forgiver. I need forgiveness and I need to give forgiveness, and I know those things can only be reached through You. Amen.

I am going to continue to study through Hosea and will discuss what it gives to me on here over the next few weeks. I look forward to what God is about to do in my life, in my marriage and in my family.